I started counseling on Monday. In the past, I have had several therapists and never had a great experience. Waiting to meet the new guy, my anxiety decided to press upon me hard. I might have caused a mild earthquake with all of my uncontrollable leg shaking. Thankfully Ryan went with me and helped me to calm down. My family stepped up to watch the kiddos and we are receiving help for the counseling bills so there really is no way for me to avoid this anymore. l have my doubts about it’s benefits, but heard the success rate of combining medicine with counselor, especially if you have had traumatic life events, such as I. I want to have the best chance and really try to not to be too skeptical.
I feel like I have heard it all and logically I have come to peace with my past abuse and abusers. Yet, I still have “problems”. I know the “basic skills” to pull out of depression. Exercise, diet, sun, consistent sleep, etc. etc… But has that served me well as of late? No. Maybe he can help me be more accountable, and maybe he does have a different perspective.
I did appreciate our first meeting. He knew the importance of comfort and that I am his “boss”. He will push me but that the important thing is that I trust and feel comfortable with him. He also has goals and is not about “emotion porn” as my husband calls it. (My Mother is an emotional porn addict- Has to rehash and focus on all of the past, dwell, searching for answers but never does anything about it. She has been in years of counseling that is never going to end). As for me, we are hoping to get all that needs to be accomplished within a few months. Then hopefully move on as a functional member of society.
For the first week, to find where I am, he wants me to focus on what is right in front of me. Right now everything in my life feels like a mountain to climb. And some of these this are as simple as making my kids lunch, cleaning up a spill, washing dishes, getting out of bed. These easy tasks truly feel huge to me. And in some moments impossible! Instead of looking at the mountain and all that I should be accomplishing, I am to look at the few step ahead of me. Not the top of the mountain. Now I have heard this before and it feels silly but it is a starting point. A way for me to measure my growth. He asked me to not compare myself with others, only my recent self. Did I do equal to or better than the day before? No matter how slow it may take me. And not to push too much, just enough to equal the day before atleast. So I thought I would go home and try to put it in action.
Tuesday came around and I was pretty energized in the morning (which hardly ever happens) the kids were wanting to help clean so we did. I soon found myself getting weak and exhausted and what replaced my thoughts? Baby steps. Baby steps to the laundry room. Baby Steps putting the clothes in the washer. Baby steps….
Oh My Gosh, I am Bob!!!! Gotta admit, those baby steps took him to places he never thought he would go but he was a caricature! and I am a real human being. This does give the hubby and I a good laugh. Which I think helps my mood as I am struggling to do more. So it is a good thing to be like Bob. As long as no one tries to blow me up. 🙂