Admitting to the world wide web you have depression is not a big deal. Especially when you are anonymous. Admitting it to the people you know is harder. I shared this post on Facebook April 6th, 2015. The response back was very positive. I even got a few private messages with people sending their support, love, and help. I didn’t really change a whole lot. I don’t have to “hide” anymore but I’m not sure I was doing a lot of that before. If I was to be completely honest, I think the main reason I shared this was so that people didn’t judge me for my weight gain. On Facebook friends post and tag you from parties and get-togethers and I was usually really embarrassed by photos people would post. I didn’t want people who haven’t seen me in years thinking I was just some stay at home mother who sat around doing nothing but eats bon bons all day. Truthfully my post below is excusing my weight gain, not really bringing awareness to depression and anxiety. It kind of shows that shallow side of myself that really hates my weight and judgement from others…
“Spring represents new beginnings. I have decided to open up about something that is deeply personal, that often has nasty stigmas connected to it. After Blake was born I had began to have issues with postpartum depression and anxiety. I struggled with recognizing the signs. I kept thinking that I would just get better. It sadly got worse, especially after Liam was born. In the Fall of 2011 life happened and I spiralled into severe depression. After some really hard trials I finally decided I should take real action. The choice to start medication was not an easy one especially since I had found out I was pregnant. We waited until the end of pregnancy to start. Since then I have been on about 7 different medications with multiple doses. With each medication and dosage change I gained more and more weight. I never lost the pregnancy weight or any weight since I started medication, which seemed to not really make any difference with my depression or anxiety. In the space of about 3 years I went from my high school graduation weight to gaining almost 150 pounds. Trust me when I say weight gain makes depression worse and it really plays a number on your self-esteem. This whole ordeal has been a really hard life experience not only for me but for my family as well.
Now onto new beginnings. Last winter we stopped all medications. We had not been successful and decided to take a break especially after a really bad bout with my last prescription. We have started seeking out other options. For some reason, in the last 2 months, there had been a change. I’m still not where I want to be or where I feel I should be but there is progress, there is hope for the first time in a long time. As scary as it is I am now trying to conquer this weight that has been a terrible side effect of this ongoing struggle. There is a really long journey ahead of me still but I have to try. I don’t want to be ashamed of leaving my house anymore, seeing old friends or meeting new people. Admittance and acceptance is a step I feel I need to take as I move forward with my life.
So here’s to new beginnings, growth and to learning to love myself again.”