Jan

5

Follow Through

I am good at a lot of things.  Even on my darkest days, I know there are things I am good at. On those days I might not be able to say I am GREAT at them, but I’m good…mediocre at best.

But really, I have had compliments on my talents and even a two year Theatre scholarship without even auditioning. The College Director saw my show and not knowing how to contact me sent a letter to my high school offering me a full two-year scholarship, so I know for a fact that in my high school musical production of Fiddler On The Roof, I played one heck of a Hodel!

 

You know what I am not good at… following through.

“Let’s hang out sometime!” – The heart is willing but goodbye old friend, it was nice while it lasted.

“I’m going to fix these pants for my son.” – Never going to happen.

“I’ll message you with the details.” – How about tomorrow after never.

“I’m going to organize this whole room!” – After I take this nap for 2 months.

“I’m going to write in my blog.” – 16 months later…

 

Yeah, following through is not a strong suit.  If it’s really time sensitive or it’s for a performance, sure, then it will happen…barely.  I have always been a procrastinator but at some point, it just went way, WAY past that.  Truthfully, I want to do everything I say I’m going to do and give it a 100% however, My engine is usually running on cheaper fuel that sometimes leaves me empty for most of my day.

 

So why all these mutterings? And why now?  Well, I was thinking about jumping on this blog the other day because I knew it had been a while. Which happened to be an understatement!

It’s been sixteen months since my last post! How did I let sixteen months pass by? I mean, I knew it had been long when I couldn’t even remember what my blog was called, but seriously, sixteen months?  And do you know what was the worst part about dusting off this poor old blog?  To see how many drafts I had from sixteen months ago?

I’m not sure anyone, not than anyone reads this but still, I don’t think anyone would believe me when I say I looked at my drafts and saw I had 46, that’s right 46 posts that I never finished! Talk about lack of follow through.  I feel there should be a reward for my lack of follow through.  Maybe it was good I was off for sixteen months because who knows how many unfinished drafts would be sitting there waiting for me if I came on here regularly. I could’ve had a book made of unfinished blog posts. The half written ramblings of a mad women.  “Where was she going with that idea?” “I have no idea, she never finished.”

Well, enough of that. On to the point. I want to finish things. Not just necessary things I have to finish, but things that I want to do.  I started this blog for a reason and I would like to add to it. Make it something people could connect to.  I make no promises because I know that I can’t do promises, it only leads to heartbreak, but I would like write more. I would like to express more.  Maybe I’ll even let on when I finish one of those 46 drafts. As for now. I’m off.

Mar

7

The standard explanatory blog post

I am pretty sure I started this blog about 15 times.  How do I start? What do I say? What is the best way to explain why I am here in the blogging world? I don’t pretend to be some great writer or to have anything that will change anyone’s outlook on life. Suppose it to say, I am here for me.

I have been diagnosed with Clinical Depression and Anxiety. It is a difficult thing to say out loud, or in this case, type, especially since there is such a social stigma regarding it. I have suffered from this disease for almost 7 years now but have only started treating it about 18 months ago.  I have struggled to come to terms with what is truly going on with me and how it has affected myself and all those around me.  It is a daily battle that has ripped me from the person I was and has consumed every facet of my life.

I am choosing to share my life and not be ashamed of something I have no real control over. I am here to track my progress, my struggles, and my failures.  I want to be honest about how it all came to be and not hold anything back. That means there are going to be posts that will hurt, posts that may bring harsh judgements by others and posts that could hurt my family. For those reasons, while I am striving to not be ashamed of my disorder, I have chosen to use a pseudonym to protect my family and myself.

So onto the introductions. My name is Ava. I am a wife of almost 9 years and a mother to 3 beautiful children. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a stay at home mother and homeschooler. I love the arts, especially performance arts and live in Arizona. My husband,  Ryan, and my children, Blake (6), Liam (4), Keira (1) are the people I can’t imagine my life without. However, they are the ones who are hurt the most by my not so personal battle, they are the ones I fear will not make it through this journey without being unscathed. I will be mentioning other parts of my family, as they have had a big influence on who I have become. I will not mention their names yet, mostly because coming up with other names for those you already know is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be.

It is time to come clean, to be set free, to use my voice, no matter how small it may feel.  May I be able to come out on top in this fight for my family and for me.