Jan

5

Follow Through

I am good at a lot of things.  Even on my darkest days, I know there are things I am good at. On those days I might not be able to say I am GREAT at them, but I’m good…mediocre at best.

But really, I have had compliments on my talents and even a two year Theatre scholarship without even auditioning. The College Director saw my show and not knowing how to contact me sent a letter to my high school offering me a full two-year scholarship, so I know for a fact that in my high school musical production of Fiddler On The Roof, I played one heck of a Hodel!

 

You know what I am not good at… following through.

“Let’s hang out sometime!” – The heart is willing but goodbye old friend, it was nice while it lasted.

“I’m going to fix these pants for my son.” – Never going to happen.

“I’ll message you with the details.” – How about tomorrow after never.

“I’m going to organize this whole room!” – After I take this nap for 2 months.

“I’m going to write in my blog.” – 16 months later…

 

Yeah, following through is not a strong suit.  If it’s really time sensitive or it’s for a performance, sure, then it will happen…barely.  I have always been a procrastinator but at some point, it just went way, WAY past that.  Truthfully, I want to do everything I say I’m going to do and give it a 100% however, My engine is usually running on cheaper fuel that sometimes leaves me empty for most of my day.

 

So why all these mutterings? And why now?  Well, I was thinking about jumping on this blog the other day because I knew it had been a while. Which happened to be an understatement!

It’s been sixteen months since my last post! How did I let sixteen months pass by? I mean, I knew it had been long when I couldn’t even remember what my blog was called, but seriously, sixteen months?  And do you know what was the worst part about dusting off this poor old blog?  To see how many drafts I had from sixteen months ago?

I’m not sure anyone, not than anyone reads this but still, I don’t think anyone would believe me when I say I looked at my drafts and saw I had 46, that’s right 46 posts that I never finished! Talk about lack of follow through.  I feel there should be a reward for my lack of follow through.  Maybe it was good I was off for sixteen months because who knows how many unfinished drafts would be sitting there waiting for me if I came on here regularly. I could’ve had a book made of unfinished blog posts. The half written ramblings of a mad women.  “Where was she going with that idea?” “I have no idea, she never finished.”

Well, enough of that. On to the point. I want to finish things. Not just necessary things I have to finish, but things that I want to do.  I started this blog for a reason and I would like to add to it. Make it something people could connect to.  I make no promises because I know that I can’t do promises, it only leads to heartbreak, but I would like write more. I would like to express more.  Maybe I’ll even let on when I finish one of those 46 drafts. As for now. I’m off.

Apr

17

Parenting with Depression: Something’s wrong with Mommy

It is a well know fact that parenting is no easy task. It is not for the weak of heart. It takes time, energy, diligence, patience, kindness, love, selflessness, discipline, having fun and so much more than I can even name.

When I was young, I always knew I would be a Mom. I thought how my child would never go through what I suffered. I had this ideal in my head, that most ‘never been mothers’ have.  I knew it would be hard.  Something I never factored in was depression and anxiety. How could I know it would hit me so hard and so deep?

After years of struggle and feeling like I have failed and have damaged my children beyond repair (Please see Parenting with Depression: The Fear of Neglect), I had to hope and pray that it wasn’t true and that my kids could still be alright.  Despite all of the struggles and failings, I knew that my kids KNEW that I LOVED them. I also knew that they still LOVE ME. My husband and I realized that my kids weren’t little anymore.  They needed to know that what is going on with Mommy is NOT normal.

As much as it hurt, I swallowed my pride and told them, “There’s something wrong with Mommy”.

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There are going to be times that I am so tired I can’t get up out of bed or off the couch.  That this is a result of the sickness, it is not normal and Mommy is trying to get better.  There are going to be times where Mommy gets mad for no reason, and I may yell.  This is not normal and Mommy will sometimes need a time out to calm down.  There are times when Mommy can’t stop crying but I will be okay. I had always thought that a Mother comforts her children, not the other way around. Sometimes we have to accept that this is what our family has to do. ( I seriously have the sweetest children alive!)

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We have always been honest at telling our kids that we make mistakes and when we are wrong we apologize.  When I have a bad mood swing or can’t play with them the way I need to and want to; I apologize and remind them that I love them with all my heart, that I am going to keep on trying to get better.

The reason I wanted to share this post was because of an incident last Monday with my eldest, Blake.  Last Monday I was beat from a very tiring weekend.  We had guests over so I busted my butt getting things cleaned; 1- to avoid embarrassment and 2- it was a great excuse/reason/motivation whatever you want to call it, to get my house clean, something I desperately want to be done but struggle to do.

So Monday rolls around and I have been trying really hard to be “present” with my kids.  Liam and I decided to make banana muffins, however,  the kids must have woken up super early because they were all grumps.  I took Liam and Keira to the store to get walnuts and on the way home Keira fell asleep.  It was barely 10:30am and I am beyond exhausted.  I try to convince Liam to watch a show so I can lay down for a moment while Keira was sleeping but he insisted on making the muffins right then.  So we did.  Then Keira wakes up. She barely took a 45 minute nap.  The rest of the day felt like it was moving so slowly. By around 3 I knew Blake would be home soon.  Keira was intently watching Tumble Leaf on Amazon while Liam was playing games on my phone and I decided to lay down.  It’s something I always feel terrible about.   I don’t feel as bad when Keira is napping because I know Liam loves having TV time for himself without having to watch Curious George, Tinker Bell or any other “kiddie” show.  However, on Monday Keira was up and I couldn’t last any longer.  I laid down in my bed (which is only 5 1/2 ft away from the Living Room) and I was hoping to just rest but I fell asleep.  I briefly woke up when I heard Blake come home. I reminded him today was his last day of dance and that we will need to leave soon but then I quickly drifted back to sleep. I woke up abruptly only to see it was already time for dance class and he would be late.

I was so mad.  It was his last day of class, they were having rehearsal on the stage where they would be performing this Saturday and he was missing it!  I came out of my room angry! Rushing everyone to get shoes on and taking it out on Blake.  “You knew you had dance at 4. Why aren’t you ready?  Why didn’t you get me?” This anger and frustration and blaming continued as we got in our van and then it hit me! “What are you doing AVA?!?!  This isn’t HIS fault! You are the Mother, it is your responsibility! You are mad at yourself NOT him.”  In the past when I heard that voice, I don’t know if it was pride or fear or what, but I wouldn’t listen to it. I use to not want to admit when I was wrong and when I did it was after the fact. Luckily, the me that wants to get better made a decision that had always been so hard to do int he past. I stopped.

“Blake, I’m sorry.  It is not your fault. It’s mine.  I fell asleep and should have been more aware.  I am mad at me, not you. Do you Understand?  Do you Forgive me?”

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I have always apologized in the past, but this time I not only recognized my mistake IN the moment, I didn’t let it continue.  I stopped it right away. I didn’t let it fester and build. I didn’t realize I was wrong then feel guilty, get more mad at myself and continue to take it out on my innocent son( like I have so many other times in the past). I was honest and in that moment instead of being a mean Mom, an unfair Mom. I became a teacher.  I taught my child that we are in control of emotions, even though it is very hard.  That if they get carried away in the moment, we have the power and control to stop it. We can recognize our faults and fix it there and then if we allow ourselves to.  Apologies and forgiveness can be immediate, powerful and can be healing.

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Yes, there is something wrong with Mommy but I am getting better.  I  can recognize my faults and so can my kids.  I can teach them even when I don’t always think it’s possible.  I can and will always love them.  Most importantly; they show me that I can be loved in return.

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Apr

15

Coming out and Coming clean

Admitting to the world wide web you have depression is not a big deal.  Especially when you are anonymous. Admitting it to the people you know is harder.  I shared this post on Facebook April 6th, 2015.  The response back was very positive.  I even got a few private messages with people sending their support, love, and help.  I didn’t really change a whole lot.  I don’t have to “hide” anymore but I’m not sure I was doing a lot of that before.  If I was to be completely honest, I think the main reason I shared this was so that people didn’t judge me for my weight gain. On Facebook friends post and tag you from parties and get-togethers and I was usually really embarrassed by photos people would post.  I didn’t want people who haven’t seen me in years thinking I was just some stay at home mother who sat around doing nothing but eats bon bons all day.  Truthfully my post below is excusing my weight gain, not really bringing awareness to depression and anxiety.  It kind of shows that shallow side of myself that really hates my weight and judgement from others…

 

 

“Spring represents new beginnings. I have decided to open up about something that is deeply personal, that often has nasty stigmas connected to it. After Blake was born I had began to have issues with postpartum depression and anxiety. I struggled with recognizing the signs. I kept thinking that I would just get better. It sadly got worse, especially after Liam was born. In the Fall of 2011 life happened and I spiralled into severe depression. After some really hard trials I finally decided I should take real action. The choice to start medication was not an easy one especially since I had found out I was pregnant. We waited until the end of pregnancy to start. Since then I have been on about 7 different medications with multiple doses. With each medication and dosage change I gained more and more weight. I never lost the pregnancy weight or any weight since I started medication, which seemed to not really make any difference with my depression or anxiety. In the space of about 3 years I went from my high school graduation weight to gaining almost 150 pounds. Trust me when I say weight gain makes depression worse and it really plays a number on your self-esteem. This whole ordeal has been a really hard life experience not only for me but for my family as well.

Now onto new beginnings. Last winter we stopped all medications. We had not been successful and decided to take a break especially after a really bad bout with my last prescription. We have started seeking out other options. For some reason, in the last 2 months, there had been a change. I’m still not where I want to be or where I feel I should be but there is progress, there is hope for the first time in a long time. As scary as it is I am now trying to conquer this weight that has been a terrible side effect of this ongoing struggle. There is a really long journey ahead of me still but I have to try. I don’t want to be ashamed of leaving my house anymore, seeing old friends or meeting new people. Admittance and acceptance is a step I feel I need to take as I move forward with my life.

So here’s to new beginnings, growth and to learning to love myself again.”

 

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Mar

26

“Something has changed within me…

Something is not the Same.”

There is something different about me.  When I started this blog I had so much despair and grief and feelings of helplessness.  It got so bad that I stopped writing on my blog, I gave up on Medication and counseling.  I just felt nothing was helping and nothing ever will.  Then, suddenly, I found something deep inside me that wouldn’t accept that answer.

The depression is not gone.  The anxiety still rears it’s ugly head in any possible situation.  But, I am still standing.  Not only that, but I am doing better than ever before. Not in everything but in the things that count the most.

With this change, I decided to get on my blog again and write.  My goal was to go back to my drafts (all 28 of them) and finally write the things I wanted to share before I was too overwhelmed with depression to do so.  As I was looking through the draft ideas I had, I made a realization, although I could finish those entries with the same thoughts I had when I drafted them, I couldn’t type the words.  The memory of what I wanted to share and my current emotional state I am in now makes it different.  If I would have posted them a couple months ago they would be filled with high emotion and sprinkled with negativity and desperation. That’s when I noticed, I had changed!!

There is a new found hope inside me that hadn’t been there before.  A fire inside of me that I thought had gone out a long time ago.

I want to go back and share my past thoughts but I know that the writing will be different.  A little less pessimistic.  Is this glimmer of hope here to stay?  I don’t know.  Am I on my way to overcoming all of my problems? I don’t know that either. This may just be a rise before another fall, and if it is, maybe I won’t fall as far this time.  Maybe, it will be different this time. No more limiting myself.  I will continue to fight for the person I use to be, the person I want to be.  Too long I have forgotten that I am someone worth fighting for.

 

 

“Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by
The rules of someone else’s game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes
And leap…”

“I’m through accepting limits
Cause someone says they’re so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try I’ll never know”

 

 

For my fellow musical theatre friends who may have noticed the  title reference:

P.S. I added a new tag category, “Hope”.