May

29

Stuck on Repreat

Do you ever get stuck in a moment?

I’m not talking about a whistful remembrance of a memory from long ago. No, really stuck. Your mind racing over all the “what if’s”, the “I wish I would’ve”, or “if only I could of”and of course, the “I should’ve”. What if those moments never stop? What if every new moment, is you stuck in an old moment? And then your new moments are regrets of not using your new moments to be better or change but to continually be your “if only” moments…. and it never ends…. the cycle never ceases.

I have a million “moments” from my youth. From high school. From college. From being a new wife. From being a new mother. From having my second child. From when I didn’t realize I wasn’t emotionally well. From realizing I had a problem. From how I chose to solve that problem. From the repercussions of trying to fix myself and failing. From all the things I have done and the hundreds of things I haven’t done. To realize I am getting too old to do so many of the things I dreamed I wanted to do because for so many years I thought I couldn’t do it.

I am constantly thinking of all the years wasted, only to get to a year later and realize I am in the same place I was the year before, and the year before that and that I’m constantly filled with guilt and anger that I didn’t change or do ANYTHING. That I barely tried. I’m thirty-two now, and I have missed out on so much. That isn’t to take away from what I have done but deep down I know it’s not enough. I have no specifics tonight. There are too many things to name. This post is vague and incompete but that, that is what I feel like my whole life is right now.

My days are vague, monotonous, and incomplete. The same thing day in and day out. Not growing, or changing, or achieving what I wish I would and the next day comes and instead of doing something different, it ever so carefully slips into that comfortable, yet terribly uncomfortable, existence that is my life.

But, I’m not the only one. I am paving the way for my family to be filled with regret too.

My life is playing on a continuous repeat. Rationally, it feels like it would be so easy to change. But truthfully, it feels like my life ended years ago, or maybe, it never actually begun.