“The relationship between sleep and depressive illness is complex – depression may cause sleep problems and sleep problems may cause or contribute to depressive disorders.[…] Sleep problems are also associated with more severe depressive illness.
Insomnia is very common among depressed patients.[…] Depressed individuals may suffer from a range of insomnia symptoms, including difficulty falling asleep (sleep onset insomnia), difficulty staying asleep (sleep maintenance insomnia), unrefreshing sleep, and daytime sleepiness. ” –National Sleep Foundation
There is something different about me. When I started this blog I had so much despair and grief and feelings of helplessness. It got so bad that I stopped writing on my blog, I gave up on Medication and counseling. I just felt nothing was helping and nothing ever will. Then, suddenly, I found something deep inside me that wouldn’t accept that answer.
The depression is not gone. The anxiety still rears it’s ugly head in any possible situation. But, I am still standing. Not only that, but I am doing better than ever before. Not in everything but in the things that count the most.
With this change, I decided to get on my blog again and write. My goal was to go back to my drafts (all 28 of them) and finally write the things I wanted to share before I was too overwhelmed with depression to do so. As I was looking through the draft ideas I had, I made a realization, although I could finish those entries with the same thoughts I had when I drafted them, I couldn’t type the words. The memory of what I wanted to share and my current emotional state I am in now makes it different. If I would have posted them a couple months ago they would be filled with high emotion and sprinkled with negativity and desperation. That’s when I noticed, I had changed!!
There is a new found hope inside me that hadn’t been there before. A fire inside of me that I thought had gone out a long time ago.
I want to go back and share my past thoughts but I know that the writing will be different. A little less pessimistic. Is this glimmer of hope here to stay? I don’t know. Am I on my way to overcoming all of my problems? I don’t know that either. This may just be a rise before another fall, and if it is, maybe I won’t fall as far this time. Maybe, it will be different this time. No more limiting myself. I will continue to fight for the person I use to be, the person I want to be. Too long I have forgotten that I am someone worth fighting for.
“Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by
The rules of someone else’s game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes
“I’m through accepting limits
Cause someone says they’re so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try I’ll never know”
For my fellow musical theatre friends who may have noticed the title reference: